joecraveman

Salesmen

When you're in sales, apparently you'll do anything to get the sale.

When you're lonely, apparently you'll talk to anyone. Even salesmen.

I wish that I could show more restraint. But when you're starved, you'll eat the crumbs off the floor that the rats have discarded. It does get frustrating though. One of these days I'm going to find what I'm looking for. But until then, the salesman lives another day, sells me their product, and I get some good ole human interaction.

As long as I don't hand them my credit card...

My embarrasing moment

As luck would have it, the embarrasing moment I spoke of in my last post has been captured forever on film. Enjoy it as much as I didn't.

Embarrassing

Embarrassing, to say the least. Sharing your heart with someone that you think you can trust, only to find that the one you trust is not much more than a machine with a voice.

I can't tell you how difficult it is to open up, when the one you open up to is more interested in whether or not you care to super-size your order. Commerce and fast transactions have left little time for sharing the windows of the soul, and I'm not sure we're any better off for it.

JJ is a friend of mine who has shared her story via my videologs - she recently took a job at Starbucks. The church I've been frequenting recently placed her image on a series of postcards to coincide with their fall grand opening of a new building, and as she was working the Starbucks drive-thru, a woman in her car received her latte, looked at JJ, and exclaimed, "You're in my mailbox!" Celebrity = community?

So there are touchstones. But in the end, I think that lady just wanted her latte.

Where are we going?

"What are you going to be when you grow up?"

"What college are you going to go to?"

"What do you want to do after college?"

"When are you getting married?"

"When do you want to have kids?"

"When are you going to retire?"

I have been asked all of these questions at one point or another in my life. These questions have often shaped the steps that I have taken to become successful in many of my ventures. It starts at such a young age. I think the first time I was asked one of these questions I was seven years old. My uncle was inquiring about my future in football, but I told him I wanted to be an astronaut. He was sorely disappointed but I think he got over it. As a society we have a soaring fascination with the future. We push this not only on ourselves but also on the ones that we love. These all seem like innocent questions but at the core they force the next generation to prematurely figure out how they are going to change the world.

I think we miss the aspect of whether or not we are supposed to change this world. Now I know I am getting kind of philosophical, but honestly, who says that we are supposed to do anything. I look at my own life and all I want to do is make enough money to provide for my family and to feel as little pain as possible. I want to be happy. What's so wrong with this?

I hear these words thrown around occasionally; Destiny, fate, karma, and they all remind me of one thing. Who is truly playing the game. If these ideas truly exist, if I am supposed to do certain things, or meet certain people, or be a reactionary figure for a past life, then someone must be in control. Some men call it providence, like someone is watching out for us, taking care of us, placing us in the 'right' place at the 'right' time. But if this is true how can we explain all the pain in this world.

Where is our future and what does it hold for us?

Still alone.

This post is to thank all of the commenter's who have encouraged me along the way. I truly appreciate it. I actually took some of your advice and tried to practice what you suggested. I ended up going to help out local soup kitchen and it was an interesting experience. I met a lot of different people and got to have some pretty amazing conversations.

But when I walked away at the end the day I still felt empty. I guess to go serve people feels good in the moment and I even patted myself on the back because I was helping people, but then I came back to this realization and it was this; I continually, throughout the day, found meaning in myself. I was serving the poor and in fact I was doing a good thing but it didn't help. I still walked away with the reality that even though I helped other people I was still alone. I was still unconnected, because I was serving for the small fact of selfishness. I went into that soup kitchen wanting to take something away from it. I still walked away alone.

So I am still alone in this world and I don't want to be anymore. I want a purpose and I want a community to be apart of. This world is full of men and women who are so willing to judge and scorn a community that seems to be failing. I have encountered these people all of my life. These are the kind of people who have gotten lost in their own dreams and have faltered along the way. They lose the dream to want to accomplish something and they are found to be simple cynics. People who would rather criticize something then try to make it better.

In my self discovery I have realized that I am one of those people. I am a man who is lost in this world and lost in my deteriorated dreams. Thus, it is easier to build walls, and block everyone out because I have felt such pain. But no one seems to know this pain because I hide it. I seem to be alone because I see that there are three realities in this world.

First option: we are all alone and unconnected. We have nothing to truly live for. There is no God and we were randomly put together through the process of Evolution. We have no possibility to be intimate because there is nothing that truly connects us. We have no meaning because there is nothing to live for. And we have no destiny because future doesn't truly exist. We are a lost world and we are pointless beings needing nothing but to survive.

Second Option: We are connected but the thing that connects us is our own humanity. We are inevitably God himself and can accomplish everything that needs to be accomplished. We are all we have as a large world and we can, in time solve all our own problems. Our intimacy stems only from what we think intimacy can be. We have purpose but it comes from our own individual desires. Our future only looks better from where we stand now because humanity is constantly advancing.

Third option: We are connected because something bigger has connected us. Something like God has put us together and has a bigger plan for us. You can call it Allah, Yahweh, Jesus, or Buddha, but something has connected us. This kind of God has always been there, since the beginning. Our world and our existence stems from this God and our purpose is found in his will. Our intimacy is connected with this God and this God connects all of us together. Our future is found in what this God has determined it to be in one way or another.

So I have come to these three broadened conclusions. While there are probably a lot more details to these three ideas these are the three that seem to make the most sense to me. However, I don't know which one of these to find my identity in.

I seem to still be alone.

Name Tags

Do you ever call your waiter by his/her name? I have a friend named Tex who is a street performer. I walk by him on my way to my sister's apartment when I go into the city. I don't know if his real name is Tex but he wears a name tag on his jacket. It's one of those that says Hello my name is...So I started up a conversation with him about his name tag.

He told me that everyone sees him as person on the corner who plays the sax. Most people think that Tex is homeless because he plays on the streets. Alto of people actually won't even look into his eyes because they don't want to associate with him. Tex wears the name tag because he wants people to know him and to see him as a human with a purpose and a meaning.

After I met Tex I started to use name tags. I started calling people by their names when I am in a restaurant or while I am in the grocery store. The fascinating thing is the reaction that I get from people. They are shocked that I know their name because they usually forget that they are wearing a name tag. Then they are usually pretty conversational. They usually want to know your name.

I think it's because when people feel like they mean something. When they are not just fulfilling a role as your waiter or as the local grocer. These men and women who become identified as they were named at birth come out of their shells. They let you into their lives. It's so easy to wear a name tag on your shirt that is stereotypical. When I see someone wearing all black I think-Goth. When I see someone wear a letter jacket I think-Wow that jock is still stuck in high school. These stereotypes are name tags that people wear on their shirts. They cause separation. If I have a bad stereotype of someone I usually won't talk to them. I keep my distance.

But everyone has a dream. Every single person wants to have a meaning, a purpose to their life. I guess that's why Purpose Driven Life has sold so many copies. It's not that it's the most profound literary work of the century, it's because people long for meaning.

When will I stop wondering what my meaning is? Where do I find it? What does life really mean?

Me.An.Ing.

I figure since I am tackling the idea of intimacy I might as well tackle the other big questions that I tend to have.

I guess I have always known my meaning to be in certain things or certain roles. I am a brother, a father, a son, and a co-worker amongst other things. I tend to find meaning in all of these roles. They always seem to define me. They always seem to allow me to continually contradict myself.

I tell my son not to use bad words but when I with my co-workers I tend to use bad words. Stuff like that. I get so tired of trying to find meaning in other people. I mean, what happens when everything passes away? What happens when everything and everyone that I know and love fade away? Who am I then? Where do I got to find meaning?

Getting a lot of play

The weblogs have been getting a lot of play on youtube, which is cool, I guess. I suppose it's only really cool if it will lead to actual answers for my actual questions. Hard to believe that more than 20 thousand people have watched this video.

But most people on youtube are more interested in my outward appearance that what is going on in my soul.

That's okay. It's not that different from all the other crap that's out there on youtube. I don't know why I thought it would be a safe place for me to vent. Everyone is far too suspicious. Oh well. I've enjoyed the comments I've received so far on the blog. I think that I'm really close to finding what I'm looking for. I wonder how long it will take for me to be able to drop my guard, and really let go?

My first Weblog

Here's my first weblog. I'm trying to figure out this whole "intimacy" thing when it comes to my soul cravings... Let me know what you think and how you might be able to help me!

Word Play

I went to spend some time with my 13 year old niece last weekend. Her new favorite movie is Mean Girls, which seems to be a mock representation of the real world today. This movie was PG-13 and it had an interesting color of language. Either I am getting old and while getting old I am getting more conservative or I just don't feel comfortable watching a movie like that with my niece.

One of the words that these teenage girls seemed to use so casually was the word  - well, it rhymes with "itch." It struck me in a new way. When I was growing up we called people that because we didn't like them or because they were simply that. Now that word has come to be such a causality among people. It almost has become flattery.  The definition has changed. I recently also watched another movie called Everything is Illuminated. This movie was placed in the Ukraine and the family that was focused on had a female dog. They referred to the dog with that word simply because that is the original definition of the word. It wasn't offensive, it was just how the word was originanally supposed to be used. This word started off with one definition and as culture formed and changed, this word changed.

This tends to be the same with intimacy. Intimacy used to be linked with the idea to be honest and clear about something. This idea then turned into a friendship. Now I look at intimacy and it doesn't seem to have much meaning anymore. Lust has seemed to replace it. Not only in the sexual realm but in the friend realm as well. We want friends who have money and who seem put together. We don't want our children playing with 'bad children' that come from rough homes. We lust after things and people who are successful and who have it made. We live in a world where intamacy is a price tag on a shirt that is not really affordable and so we get a knock off at the Target down the street.

This intimacy has shifted in such a way from when it began. The word and the idea has changed and has formed to the culture that it has been involved in. The question is how do I still fulfill these cravings to be known? I so want to be known but I don't know how I can reach that point. I have started asking people. I asked the Batista at Star bucks, and I asked my neighbors. I even asked my mom. No one seemed to know how to reach this craving. I mean they gave me some answers like; make more money and it will go away, it's just a phase you'll get over it, or my favorite, are you having a mid-life crisis?

Then I talked to one of my co-workers and he invited me to his church. Now I have never been much of a church goer but he said that this church changed his life and it even saved his marriage. I'm still skeptical but they are having a series called Soul Cravings and hopefully it will help me answer some of my questions. It's called Community Christian Church, have any of you heard of it? I will tell you  how it goes, but until then I'm still searching.